Mission: The Ultimate Vatican Tour

Mostly, I have been giving the regular Colosseum/Forum, Vatican, and Pantheon tours, but today, I was called to something greater. The mission: pick up two people at their hotel and get them (in one piece) to Vatican City for the Ultimate Tour of the Vatican. The plan: start in the Piazza San Pietro, then cover the walk to the entrance of the Musei Vaticani, the Pinacoteca (including one reproduction of Michelangelo's Pieta), the regular Museum, the Raphael Rooms, the Sistine Chapel, and St. Peter's Basilica before moving on to a tour of the Castel Sant'Angelo. Bonus points for not killing the tourists along the way. Death from walking through the Vatican for 5 hours, or from listening to me spout information for that long, is a distinct possibility for the unwitting targets of this mission.

Stage one: Picked up the two tourists at their hotel. Targets safely escorted to Metro for crowded train ride to Termini, then successful switch to A Line for ride to Ottaviano. I managed to give some sort of strange history/culture lesson while on the metro (10 points), and sound like a local when suggesting where to buy water bottles for the incredible journey. I mean tour. 5 points.

Stage two: Piazza San Pietro. Thank God there were clouds today. 25 points. Made up the number of saints in the Justice League. -5 points.

Stage three: Escort targets on 10 minute walk from Piazza to Musei entrance. Managed to cover history of Vatican attacks, Swiss Guard, and the last 25 years of Papal history. 15 points. Demonstrated knowledge of more than just Italian history by linking the first two things in that list to Henry VIII and Katherine of Aragon. 5 points.

Stage four: The Pinacoteca. Gave a short introduction to the Pieta copy, describing the symbolism of the piece and mentioning that this was not how it was intended to be displayed. 50 points. Moved very quickly through Medieval and Early Renaissance rooms, almost caught by guard. -20 points, but +5 for not getting caught. Nailed Perugino works, three Raphael altarpieces, and an incomplete Da Vinci drawing of St. Jerome. 25 points. Caravaggio room. 15 points. Found the Mannerism room, used the word "canjanti." 45 points.

Stage five: The regular Museum part. Having done this part before, I do not get as many points for my successful tour of it. 40 points. Impolitely asked to vacate guide boards for Sistine Chapel by vicious Italian woman wearing a tour guide license. -20 points.

Stage six: The Raphael Rooms. Long story short, I managed to navigate the targets/tourists through masses of other tour groups while still talking about Julius II's political agenda as seen in Raphael's frescoes. 30 points.

Stage seven: Borgia Apartments. Talked about the ceilings. 10 points. Completely ignored 15 minutes of horrible modern art. -10 points.

Stage eight: Sistine Chapel. In (under the wire) at 3.45 pm. Done and Done. 25 points.

Stage nine: St. Peter's Basilica. Finally remembered why Pope Innocent XI's body is in the basilica and not in the tombs. 5 points. Successfully described the vast majority of items in the basilica, managed to convey disgust for the barbaric tendencies of Pope Urban VIII. 15 points.

Stage ten: Coffee break. Thank goodness, because I literally talked myself hoarse in the 4.5 hours that completion of Stages one through nine took. No points. Managed to give history of Fascism and short etymology lesson while walking to Castel. 5 points.

Stage eleven: Castel Sant'Angelo. It is closed on Mondays. -20 points. Talked about it anyway, from the outside, 10 points. Gave impromptu tour of Ponte Sant'Angelo (thank you, Tegmeyer), 10 points. Offered to replace tour of Castel with tour of another round building designed by Hadrian (A.K.A. the Pantheon). 5 points.

Stage twelve: Walk to Pantheon. Gave tour of back streets of Rome, and of Piazza Navona. Remembered that the fourth river on Bernini's fountain is the Rio de la Plata, not the Amazon. Targets doubted my veracity, but I was vindicated by didactic on side of construction scaffold. 20 points.

Stage thirteen: Pantheon tour. Targets are impressed that I have now been talking for 6 hours. 5 points. Targets still appear interested in what I am saying. 10 points.

Stage fourteen: Go home. Mission complete. Total points earned: 305.